Introduction to Grief
INTRODUCTION TO GRIEF
Grief is a feeling of sadness as a result of any major loss. It is often associated with suffering, and is also considered a necessary part of healing. When an event causes a crisis in the life of an individual, a radical change is made in the situation established until then. Grief also has the meaning of ‘definitive loss’ of an object that an individual can hold.
DEFINING GRIEF
Grief is a human and personal response to loss. Most of the literature dealing with grief refers it as a result of the loss in human life. However, a grief response can also occur in the face of other types of losses such as health, career, status, role, divorce, financial loss, and more. The reaction includes different expressions of sadness, anger and other emotional, cognitive and behavioral components, which may vary from person to person and from case to case.
Prolonged grief can also lead to depression, which is a common mental illness affecting 18% (40 million adults) of the US population every year.1 In the event of any definitive loss, the intensity of the grief and its duration is affected by the degree of emotional closeness to the deceased person. There are also customs that represents external, social or interpersonal characteristics of mourning. These customs are culturally dependent and include the existence of social rituals that vary from culture to culture, and from one religion to another.
STAGES OF GRIEF
Denial
The stage can be expressed in statements such as ‘I feel okay’, ‘It does not happen to me’, ‘It cannot be’. At this stage, the person affected does not believe in the knowledge of the loss and the approaching end, and is convinced that this is a mistake. Kubler-Ross refers to this response as a temporary defense mechanism that the person needs when receiving difficult information because of the great difficulty in accepting this reality. Denial allows a person a sort of time out to organize and mobilize forces, and gradually switch to more adaptive defense mechanisms.2
Anger
This stage can be expressed in statements such as:
- Why me?
- It’s not fair!
- How can this happen to me?
For example, most people cannot deny long-term death or the death of a close person, and instead of denial usually express harsh feelings of anger, envy, and hatred. This is a difficult stage for dealing with people in a person’s environment as anger is often directed outwards at the environment, and sometimes in a seemingly arbitrary and indiscriminate manner. Apparently, understanding and accepting anger from those around can help a person to cope more adaptively while an opposite reaction from the environment may create feelings of loneliness.
Bargaining
The stage can be expressed in statements such as:
- I’ll do anything, just give me a few more years to live.
This stage characterizes terminally ill patients, who deal with the imminent gospel of death and the acceptance of a gradual but rare loss in the process of mourning for a loss that has already occurred. The patient expresses his desire to postpone the end in bargaining in an attempt to prevent the inevitable. The bargaining usually involves a commitment to any ‘payment’ from the patient in return for the postponement of the sentence or the fulfillment of last wishes.3
Depression
The stage can be expressed in statements such as:
- It’s all pointless now, why bother?’
- He’s dead/I’m going to die, what’s the point of doing anything?
This stage is characterized by a strong sense of loss, sad thoughts about the future, guilt, shame, failure, and missed opportunity. Kubler-Ross claimed that at this stage, it is difficult to encourage and calm the griever and that the feeling of depression is important emotional processing of the situation, which can finally move towards acceptance of the situation. She recommends supporting the griever at this stage by listening and understanding.4
Acceptance
This stage can be expressed in statements such as:
- I will be fine.
- I cannot fight it, but at least prepare for it.
This step appears if the person has passed the previous steps with the support of the environment. At this point, there is a concession of the struggle against fate and the cessation of negotiations and accounts with the past and with the environment.
At this stage, the person is able to express a variety of feelings from the previous stages to accept the finality of life and to part from the relatives who have lost or are about to lose. The person may gradually become withdrawn, relieved of the feelings of pain and the heat of the struggle against the situation so he or she may feel exhausted and need a great rest. Moreover, acceptance of the situation allows a process of separation.
According to Kübler-Ross, most of the grievers reach this stage, but there are few who continue the fight against their loss or denial. It is also important to distinguish between despair, surrender, and acceptance.4
- For more reading on understanding grief, please go to cnvdetox.com/understanding-grief
- Senior Centers are an excellent source of support for our over 60 population in times of loss.